As a single lady, you may find yourself the recipient of various (and perhaps unasked for) pieces of advice: “Be a strong and independent woman.” “Enjoy being single! You’ll miss it someday when you do get married.” “Have you tried putting yourself out there?” “Maybe you can get another degree while waiting for your true love to come along.” “Your expectations aren’t too high, right?” “You should reach out to this influencer I follow on Twitter/X–he’s single!”
While there may be some degree of wisdom in these suggestions (except for maybe the one about messaging Mr. Famous on Twitter), they’re so hackneyed at this point that they’re not really helpful. Chances are, you’re already following all these pearls of wisdom and wondering why it’s not working.
Similarly, sometimes people try to find the silver lining of your circumstances. The truth is, no one else can find the lessons of your life experiences for you. Only you can do that.
That said, I’m not here to preach, but here are some things I’ve learned from being single:
How to be patient with people who just don’t get it.
In some situations, people can display insensitivity, and it’s important to practice cordiality in interactions with them in preparation for future relationships. Once a well-meaning but belittling roommate lectured me about how I needed to stop caring about finding a man and instead live for myself. As someone who has been living a fulfilling life by getting my master’s degree in something I love, volunteering, working meaningful jobs, and writing novels in my free time, I found her comments pretty condescending. Conversely, sometimes single people find that others assume that their solitary state is somehow their fault, that maybe they have been too picky or too flawed to attract a partner. This can be hurtful, but responding with politeness and choosing not to be offended is the higher road.
Recently I came across some straightforward but oft-unspoken advice: Don’t waste time on what others think! Today’s social media driven society is often obsessed with seeking approval and acceptance, but in reality, we can’t control how other people think of us. What we can control is how we treat others, regardless of their insensitivity, and how we feel about ourselves.
As a side note, my experiences have taught me to be careful about giving others advice and failing to understand their struggles. To paraphrase Shakespeare, “every grief is bearable except one’s own.”
How to move on from loss
Even when a relationship has some obvious red flags, there can still be a great sense of loss when it’s over. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in life, and the loss of relationships has helped me get over some of it because other disappointments pale in comparison with the pain of a breakup. Okay, that’s a bit melodramatic, but you get the idea. Learning to cope with and eventually move on from loss is essential for living an emotionally healthy, fulfilling life.
How to be happy on your own
In my experience, it’s definitely easier to be happy when in a relationship. However, I’ve heard it said that happy single people make happy married people. This is because happiness is not about our circumstances but our ability to find joy in life. The more you practice finding joy while single, the better you’ll be at finding joy while in a relationship.
Practicing gratitude, writing in my journal, and acknowledging my strengths have helped me improve my emotional health.
Emotional Self-Reliance
There’s only so much other people can do to help you. While we all need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, your emotional health is ultimately up to you. Over the years, I’ve worked hard developing positive thinking habits to overcome persistent depression and improve my emotional health. I’m not living in a constant state of unadulterated bliss-nobody is-but I’ve become a lot more emotionally resilient and happier than I was in my early twenties. While I imagine that it’s great having someone to go through life’s challenges with you in a marriage, learning to deal with them on my own has been invaluable.
Delicate Hints
I’ve always looked young and there have been times when guys 3 or 4 years younger have asked me out. Lots of people tell me that age doesn’t matter, but when a guy is the same age as the students in freshman writing class I taught as a grad student, it just feels weird. So whenever a young guy talks to me I feel like I have to tactfully specify my age for full disclosure. Okay, this one is actually rather specific, but the skill of maneuvering awkward situations has got to have lifelong dividends.
Conclusion
Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning suggested that the best way to cope with hardship is to find meaning in it. What better way to find meaning in being single than to think of what you’ve learned from it? While everyone’s list of life lessons is sure to be different, hopefully the end result is the same: enjoying the accomplishment of gaining unique wisdom from this often-stereotyped situation.
So next time someone kindly (or not-so-kindly) offers advice on being single, you can smile, take their suggestions graciously, and then share what you’ve actually learned from your solitary adventures.
